This is very funny; an excerpt:
The survey results show a faculty that is dedicated and happy to have employment at this university. The data is pretty conclusive: 46 percent of you are not actively looking for work, 30 percent of you feel confident your academic unit will survive the upcoming budget cuts, and 24 percent of you report feeling only slightly panicked most of the day. That means an impressive 100 percent of you are happy with the university and working hard every day to help students graduate as quickly as possible....
Renaming Faculty Job Titles. I am working with Human Resources to rename job codes to better reflect the work you actually do. So, for example, many of you will no longer be “Professors” but “Student Graduation Facilitators.” Others of you will take on the new job title of “Metric Chaser” or “Adjunct Administrator.” These better reflect the valuable work you do and not the things you thought you were hired to do.
Improved Communication Systems. I am officially allocating $2 million for a new software platform called Direct2Faculty. It will allow me to communicate directly to your brains, bypassing the written word as well as your mental will to resist strategic initiatives. Even at this moment, I am tunneling deep into your mind, systematically removing all obstacles to total compliance.
Early Retirement. The centerpiece of our Faculty Success Initiative. We understand that retirement may not seem like the right option for you. You may think, “There is too much paperwork,” or “I can’t afford it,” or “I am only thirty-five years old.” Our new Early Retirement for Faculty Success Initiative is designed to meet these challenges. We have prepared a special fifty-page report that explains how you are, in fact, perfectly ready for retirement. Retirement is not about money or age but the annihilation of any sense of purpose and meaning in your professional life. Once you accept this, you will quickly see how retirement really is for you. And we have greatly streamlined the process. To retire, all you need to do is find a quiet corner of a building (but not mine!) and say, out loud, in a determined voice, “I retire and release the university from all current and future financial obligations!” Being already in your head, I will hear you very clearly. Then you can let out a small whimper and crumple to the ground in a heap of deflated good intentions.
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